They started to wear upon me cuz they just were not TRUE or so I thought. My not yet wife was then a manager of a well known Hotel chain and was starting to 'rise' in the world, and I was finding my self becoming "introverted", withdrawn, distanced from people, a sense of something that seemed peculiar at first but got very strong afterwards. An EMPTINESS, something "MISSING", lacking, "HIDDEN", very DEEP within and very CONFUSING (Gen.2:21). I was on compensation for a few months having an accident while driving a truck under contract for a major wire and cable company, and had this very strong NEED TO "SEARCH" (Matt. 6:33). Me and my UNRITUALED BETROTHED were very distanced and not talking much, and I had an intense need to SEARCH for the meaning of WHAT'S MISSING we could say, being afflicted with CONFUSION and knew I was IGNORANT to all things of importance. I 'knew' there was a God and he was the God of the BIBLE, but I did not KNOW HIM "PERSONALLY" so that I KNEW!!!. I had to know who God was, I had to "FIND" him, I didn't know why but had to. Even from what I knew about religion, and even the bible, there were MANY "NAMES". There were LORD'S MANY, and GOD'S MANY (1 Cor.8:5). The word "God" ALWAYS seemed "impersonal" and "generic" to me, and I JUST KNEW he was A PERSON , SOMEONE THAT CAN BE "KNOWN" WITH A "PERSONAL NAME"!!!. My father has a large collection of books he's collected over tens of years on the mysteries of the world, and practically all religions and belief systems there are, so I went home and grabbed several big boxes of all books relevant from his shelves, brought them home, and proceeded to read them non stop for the next few months (Prov.18:1).

        I had many times picked up the BIBLE and read pieces here and there, but for the most part it was all a jumble of things with the odd couple verses that STUCK but with no coherent pattern. I spent months reading many hours a day reading volumes of esoteric works, mystery religions, other faiths and belief systems from the most ancient to the most modern. Books on history, archeology, sciences, you name it. I didn't know it then, but I was TESTING THE BIBLE by testing all the other works and lining them up with the scripture and I began to notice quite a few things that PROVED the Bible is the ONLY WORD OF GOD compared to all others proclaiming same thing. After months I got to the bottom of the boxes and saw the BIBLE sitting there after reading all the other books. I picked it up and started reading INTENTLY as I haven't done in times past. Sometimes 8 to 16 hours non-stop, and a few sittings which lasted for even 24 and 36 hours non-stop!. An unbelievable hunger, urge, desire, absolute downright NECESSITY to have to know what that book was all about, what I was all about, what God was all about , what the universe was all about, life all about etc. etc. I read DEEP and got familiar with all the stories that were in there, but it still seemed obscure and I didn't really know what it all meant. I was always puzzled by this guy "JESUS CHRIST", and never understood or knew how he fit in the picture. I always "heard" he was an important guy, but just didn't know "WHO" and what he had to do with in scripture. I knew there was something about him dying on a CROSS and why they say he did it, but I never understood. I started going through the Gospels and getting a good picture what was going on and read all the RED, and came to a "SHOCKING" conclusion. This Jesus Christ was claiming he was GOD (John 14:7), he had ETERNAL LIFE (John 6;47), he was the only WAY TO SALVATION (John 14:6), he had ALL AUTHORITY (Luke 4:36), he had ALL JUDGMENT (John 5:22), he had ALL GRACE & TRUTH (John 1:14), he was THE WAY (John 14:6), he was THE LIFE (John 16:34), he was THE LIGHT (John 8:12) and this really STUNNED me. Immediately upon this revelation for some strange reason, I turned my complete attention to the "RESURRECTION" of Christ, for if I could prove that that was a lie, than I proved that Jesus Christ was lying about who he said he was and thus the entire bible a sham for something bothered me about a MAN claiming to be God. The reason for this is because Jesus Christ claimed that A] he was God, and B] he was the one who did the raising, HIMSELF (John 2:19). By either proving or disproving this fact, I would know that either 1) the bible and Christ were bunk or 2) the bible and Jesus Christ are TRUE, he was GOD ALL IN ALL, and then MY GOD ALL IN ALL and thus all the eggs go in his basket.  In the end, I was forced to conclude via the scripture  and even the historical records outside of the scripture, that his resurrection HAPPENED FOR ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY and I found veritable PROOF that was conclusive. I FOUND IT IN THE RECORDS OF THE APOSTLES THEMSELVES AND THE HISTORICAL ACCOUNT. I continued reading intently and had this desire to know how to FILL this "emptiness" and "void" in my understanding, and something else i could not put my finger on. I read a couple of verses that impacted me so hard, I remember the very moment I read them, and at that moment I gave ALLEGIANCE to "him" completely....SOLD OUT  (John 10:30, John 14:6).  These were the ULTIMATE STATEMENTS that Christ could NOT get out of, and I "KNEW" he was telling the truth from everything else he claimed and that I read for if he DID NOT make this claim, the rest of the scripture FALLS APART!!!. It was like a LIGHTNING BOLT (Ezek.1:14) hit me.

        I'm telling ya it was a startling "revelation" to me and from that moment I was hook line and sinker sold out to Jesus Christ whole heatedly without any reservation for I KNEW in my "mind" and BELIEVED he was God all in all, and I continued on in the Word, read a couple of those BELIEF & CONFESSION (conversion) verses, "confessed" with my MOUTH, and gave my "life", EVERYTHING to JESUS CHRIST alone in a room by myself.

       Nobody came to me with John 3:16, not an evangelist, teacher, preacher etc., alone by myself with a bible. I didn't make a big deal of it. I didn't run and tell everyone, not even my betrothed. This COMMITMENT was so strong in me that I even "communed" within me and PRAYED and gave my life to the Lord TO THE DEATH (Matt.10:38-39, 16:24, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:23-24, 14:27, John 12:25, Phil.2:8) I went on for a while keeping it to myself and not thinking a whole lot about it. I continued to read the scriptures ritually and pretty well obsessively and DO the things commanded there-in. I even found myself constantly "praying". Not like a "ritual" on the knees, sackcloth etc., from INSIDE. I would just commune with the Lord "WITHIN", anywhere, anytime, anyplace whenever I felt compelled. Things started to get very "abrasive" and "tense" between me and my betrothed and things were slowly falling apart and we were very distanced and I was totally confused as to why. We moved outside of the city, I having an intense desire to want to get away from it all, and my betrothed "hesitantly" agreed that it would be a good thing. We moved into a very large house on a couple of acres of rivers and woodlands, secluded pretty much from what we left. I continued "seeking" in the scripture (John 8:31-32, 15:9, 1 John 24:25). I had a major problem by this time with THE SYSTEM, with COMMERCE, and the WORLD at large and started to really realize that something very SINISTER (Psa.2) was going on behind it all, and I had a hard time working that close in THE SYSTEM and amongst those who did. I started to LOATHE THE WORLD, MONEY AND COMMERCE GREATLY (Matt.6:24), and I knew my betrothed was not diggin my change of view and ways. This "loathing" eventually became of PEOPLE as well as I started to distance my self from many long time friends, and even associates in my field of expertise. Like a massive PARADIGM SHIFT to steal a new age term, my entire life and world was changing, everybody and everything around me and I had NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER as to what was going on. Things that I was once believed in, supported upheld, principles, ideologies were being turned UPSIDE DOWN and I found myself now against what I once believed. I "KNEW" that something was 'cut' by now but didn't want to believe it as my 'betrothed' became very DECEPTIVE (Prov.19:13, Jer.9:17, Song 6:1) in how she was being with me, and something was not right and I KNEW she was not being honest and saying things against our relationship she had never said before. She pointed out 'aesthetic" problems with my appearance and body (was a bit overweight), and this bewildered, confused, and HURT me real bad. It was unlike her to say something of this nature and she had never complained before, only complements and satisfaction. All arguments ended in the final question of "DO YOU LOVE ME", she would always say YES and that she would "ALWAYS" LOVE ME no matter what ever happened. These words started to BREAK ME inside, I found myself "tip-toeing" around (1 Kings 21:27) was very CONFUSED as to what was going on and had a DREAD of something "soon" that I didn't want and knew a little why I didn't want it from prior experience but DIDN'T BELIEVE IT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AT THE SAME TIME (Psa.23:4). It got bitter and she was beginning to be a total STRANGER to me now (Job 19:13-15, Prov.5:20), as well as all those around me, family, friends......I was being ripped AWAY and OUT is the only thing I can describe it as (John 15:19, 17:14-15). For the first time I sensed a BREACH in our intimacy (Job 16:14, Isaiah 30:12-13, Prov.15:4), and a WALL was put up (Psa.62:3, Song 2:9, 8:9). She was staying out and late and wasn't telling me what was going on, avoiding it, verbally fighting and starting arguments all the time and making ultimatums that were outlandish, absurd, not realistic. She didn't come home till real late one night and I "KNEW" why but just didn't want to believe it, WOULDN'T believe it, but enraged, called her every fowl filthy name for a "bleep" there is. She just gave me this look (Prov.30:20). She didn't come home from work next evening. She called me next day and said she was staying at her parents in the city and she was gonna stay for a couple of days. THE CORN OF WHEAT BEGAN TO TEETER. She wouldn't talk to me, avoided me, wouldn't answer my phone calls. GREAT DREAD AND FEAR BEGAN TO SET IN (Job 3:24-26). I was being set up for the MARK (Job 16:12, Lam 3:12) and I some how knew it in the DEPTHS (Psa.106:9-10, Jonah 2:5). I knew God  was involved in all this (Psa.18:11, Job 37:19, Eccl.ch.11). 3 weeks went by and I was feeling much grief and woe (Psa.38:5-11). I became a "BASKET CASE" (Psa.44:15, 70:3-5, Job 10:22, 15:23, 17:13, 18:18, 20:26-27) pretty much, and found myself reading the bible a great deal as it was the ONLY solace I was finding (Prov.18:8, 119;103-104), yet the words were VERY BITTER AGAINST ME (Job 13:26, 20:20-23, Prov.18:8, 12:20-22, Mal.2:12-17) and I was PRAYING "WITHIN" constantly, continually, not really aware that I was as the MENTAL ANGUISH was more than I could handle and concentrate upon. I had no control over what was goin on and I HAD TO GET THE LORD TO HEAR ME (Job 9:19). I was pining, grieving, sighing , crying and DIDN'T KNOW EXACTLY WHY I was to such an extant. I knew she had taken no clothes with her when she went. She had my car. When I got a hold of her, she would immediately start an argument and hang up the phone. At one point, she informed me that she was LEAVING me and that she needed to 'see" if I was THE "ONE" she should marry, she was very young when she met me and hadn't found out for herself, she had been talking with some 'friends' and 'family' (Gen.3:1). In all this she still claimed that she would ALWAYS LOVE ME........and my 'heart' began to crack more and more. It was also at this time that I realized that there was something not right MENTALLY with her, something seemed very out of place. I began PREACHING to her and this just aggravated and pushed her further away. She brought back the car, picked up a 'couple' of things and left saying she was moving in with "mom". I was really hurtin now. This 'pain" coincided with what I can only call a NOISE within me. I don't quite know how to describe it, but it was like a subtle "RUSHING STREAM" and the sound drowned out the rest of the world and everything said in it. What I can best describe it as is the sound of a MANY WATERS (Song 8:7, Rev.14:2), many multitudes of VOICES that could not be made out within me and their was a GREAT STRUGGLE going on IN ME, and I knew that a lot of this had to do with reading the SCRIPTURES as my 'mind" was in a continuous loop at all times with the WORD circulating around in my head and deep within, and I was DISTRACTED (Psalm 88:13-17) with this from what was going on with my "betrothed".  I was sending roses to her work constantly, she refused to see me and only spoke for a couple mins., say something very hurtful with INTENT dealing on the subject of FIDELITY and I felt TRAPPED in a cage for I "KNEW" that no matter what was happening, she would be mine and it would be all right in the end although EVERYTHING contradicted that "FAITH", I had to sit there and take it. I was going out of my mind with "jealousy", "anger", "wrath", "sorrow", "grief", "confusion", HEARTACHE of the most cruel kind. I remember very distinctly one day for a very long time, pounding my fist into my chest and the air and CRYING unto the Lord.......WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME (Psa.22:1, Matt.27:46, Mark 15:34). It was a Saturday afternoon a few weeks later and one of the first days of spring, sunny, a beautiful day. I had had enough, and I phoned her and cried, pleaded, repented, begged for mercy, proclaimed my un-dying love for her, would and will do anything and demanded she return to me at once. It was like my words were ALIEN to her and she could not HEAR them at all and I felt as though I were in the "Twilight Zone" (Job 19:17) NOTHING I SAID OR DID MADE A DIFFERENCE:

        She said that she...."had found someone else, had been INTIMATE with him for a while, and had been with lots of others before him, but this was the ONE she really wanted"......"BUT"....she stated yet again that she would ALWAYS LOVE ME and that there would NEVER be someone like me............I WENT THROUGH THE FLOOR......SHOCKED......BEWILDERED......AN ARROW PIERCED MY "HEART" AND SOUL.......HUNG ON A TREE AND NAILED IN.........CRUCIFIED......CAST INTO A FIERY PRISON......FORSAKEN........CUT DOWN TO THE GROUND......

.......at this exact moment I knew "experientially" we were SEPARATED, and I was "plunged" into a great VACUUM & VOID.....and KNEW it..... of utter and total HOPELESSNESS, SEPARATION and the one thing she had said that always struck me through the heart........"YOU DON'T LOVE ME"......began to repeat in my mind over, and over, and over like a broken recording and would haunt me after greatly...... It was 12:30 in the afternoon when she hung up. It was 7:00 the next morning when I snapped out of what felt like a "prison" of dark woe still holding onto the phone, and when I realized how long I had been in a 'trance', an overwhelming deep inner "THROB".....IN MY HEART/BEING...... began to replace the wonder of what happened. A most horrible "aching" of the most un-imaginable had replaced what had been said hours earlier and would not go away....

    I WAS A ZOMBIE.......I could not talk coherently to no one. I'm tellin ya it was like the world was ripped away from me and I was cast into total CONFUSION. No one COULD talk to me for I didn't make any sense. I didn't eat or sleep for a long time and lost a lot of weight, some 40lbs. actually. I couldn't watch T.V., read the bible or any other book, be around anyone for more than a couple of minutes. I couldn't do my job of driving and was a high risk on the road. I annihilated a  BMW I had  3 times in a short few months and almost got myself killed a couple of those times. I  found myself partaking of COMMUNION by myself often alone when no one was around with whatever I had to do it with, not really realizing what I was doing but having a deep compelling to do it (1 Cor.11:26). I was in a state of total hopelessness and all JOY/HAPPINESS for anything except for the return of what had been TAKEN AWAY (Gen.2:21) was totally DEAD to me.  I had no joy in music that I so loved to make and record. I had no joy in my friends, life, interests, myself.....DEAD. I was "haunted" by the very thing that ACCUSED me which came from her very lips and was always before me, yet did not know why....

        I "KNEW" that I would NEVER find solace for my soul, BE WHOLE, have JOY, be COMPLETE, have a LIFE, have a FAMILY, be HAPPY.......EVER........if I did not HAVE what I was accused of not having AND IT WAS "KILLING ME" INSIDE SLOWLY BUT ASSUREDLY for she had GONE the other "way" and was very "far" from me. LITERAL CONTEMPLATION OF COMMITTING SUICIDE ENTERED MY HEAD MANY A TIME FOR I DID NOT WANT TO LIVE ANY LONGER WITHOUT HER . I told her a couple of times. I was at the end of myself. I was POURED OUT LIKE WATER (Psalm 22:14). Nothing made any sense to me.

        Between what I was reading in scripture and what was going on, i had come to my ropes. She would call me now and again and torment me with tales of  her "intimacies" she was havin with other than the "other" she chose over her FIRST, and arcane terminology used in decadent decades past such as "FREE LOVE" was in her dialogue. The CRUELTY seemed much more than deserved, and i was starting to wonder now If there wasn't something MENTALLY wrong with her. She would always say in the shortest of conversations...."I'll always love you but I cant BE WITH YOU"....Always before I could plead my cause to her, she would hang up and I wouldn't hear from her for longer and longer intervals of time. This began to "vex" me in my spirit and It began to occur to me that what was happening to me was a TRIAL, God was doing this, and this whole thing was a TEST OF "LOVE"( Job 23) in some strange sort of way. I continued sending ROSES to her....almost every other day,  never receiving a response. Everywhere I went I looked over my shoulder to see if she would "appear" suddenly. I so desperately wanted to "see" her constantly without ceasing to plead my case and to just be with her if only for a moment. I found myself talking to myself continually so that I wasn't aware I was doing it with other people present. It was a few months later before she grabbed the rest of her things. I was at the point of no return.....the breaking point. Everything was utterly vain and hopeless to me and I didn't want anymore of anything, didn't want to go on. I had wailed, cried seas of tears, pleaded on my belly and in the dust, heaped ashes upon my head and walked softly begging for forgiveness and the RETURN OF MY HOPE & JOY to the only one I could cuz all others had forsaken me. I was praying, calling, looking, searching, in my tears, on my bed, every waking moment, in my sleep even for THE LORD......

......but SILENCE was all that I heard, got (Song 5:6).....
            I was in the same room at the same time of the day when the CORN FELL months earlier. It was a very sunny day out and there was a light breeze outside cuz I was looking at the leaves on the trees through an open curtain sway. I was at the VERY BOTTOM of deep anguish, despair, pain, heartache/break, hopelessness, emptiness, UN-IMAGINABLE LONELINESS, barren!. I was sitting most of the early morning beside the phone that would not ring, the book that stopped speaking, the carpet that gave no respite, the haunting "flashes' in memory of things I've seen and heard and experienced all through my life. I knew I was in a HEDGE that I could not get out of and that the very thing that I so desired desperately I could not attain, and that the sheer hopelessness of knowing this and knowing I would rather be dead forever, the BOOMERANG of knowing that if I DIDN'T HAVE what I desperately needed so bad meant........DEATH FOREVER.....and was SET BEFORE ME!!!. I was between a ROCK and a HARD PLACE of no retreat, no respite, no mercy, no hope of getting out of this ALIVE,...........DEATH THAT COULD NOT BE AVOIDED. I just sat on that chair in total silence and stared out the window as I watched MY LIFE FLASH IN FRONT OF ME. I  BEWAILED TO THE LORD, OUT ALOUD....VERY LOUD GRIEVING......."Please Lord, WHAT MUST I DO......WHY WONT YOU LISTEN, have MERCY upon me. I will>>>>>>FORGIVE>>>>> Lord from the bottom of my heart. I will>>>>>> LOVE>>>>> Lord. PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU********SAVE ME LORD JESUS CHRIST*********(Psa.89:17-19). I cried and sobbed and moaned and just sat motionless in a bereaved stupor for what seemed to be a very long time. I was sitting there and I kinda snapped to attention, and I noticed A THICK CLOUD had descended all around me and I felt a veil of DARKNESS that  was tangible to me, so that it was SENSED EXPERIENTIALLY (Exod.20:21, Job 10:22, Psa.88:6, 2 Chron.6:1, Psa.139:11). I remember this vividly.

       Like being in a VACUUM for what seemed like only a very short period of time, ended up being HOURS AND HOURS in the end. For what seemed like an ETERNITY, I felt the most horrible heart wrenching, sensed, cracking, breaking of my heart DEEP DEEP WITHIN that was VERY REAL AND EXPERIENTIAL and I 'felt' in my FLESH , and deep in my being (Psalm 34:18, 38:8, 51:17, 55:4-5,  69:20, 73:26, 102:4, 107:12-14, 119:145-147, 143:4,  Prov.15:11-13, Isa.28:13, 57:15, 66:2, Lam.3:15-16, Matt.21:44)  and I was SCREAMING OUT, BEGGING, PLEADING, CRYING out to the Lord (Lam.1:21, 3:55, Jonah 2:2, Psalm 3:4, 18:6, 30:8 ) all this time deep within . I remember being transfixed on the trees (Acts 22:17, 2 Cor.12:2-4) in the light breeze under the sunlight and everything seemed to come to a complete and total STAND STILL (Josh.10:13, 2 Chron.20:17, Psa.76:8-9, Isa.30:7-8, Jer.8:14) as if a spinning top had made its very last movement and comes to a grinding halt just before toppling over, I "SAW" IT, and there was a complete halt to EVERYTHING, my body, my breath, my blood pumping in my veins, the outside world, my heart, the cells in my body, the wind in the leaves, the sun, EVERYTHING,  an abrupt halt to all and every movement everywhere.......TOTAL STILLNESS.....that seemed like it lasted FOREVER.

        and excruciating, un-imaginable, relentless ANGUISH, AGONIZING, MISERY, HOPELESSNESS, UN-IMAGINABLE SORROW, LONELINESS, BARREN, VOID,  ETERNAL NON ACQUITTAL AND RUIN THAT I "KNEW" WAS ON TOP OF ME AND I KNEW WHY IT WAS UPON ME>>>>>I HAD NO LOVE<<<<<< AND I KNEW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE IF I DID HAVE LOVE, MY "RIB" (the "truth") WOULD NOT HAVE DEPARTED.  I was reading it in the scripture for a long time and I KNEW IT, and now, in my inner being, It was being revealed to me WHY, all at once and I felt it in my being and in my heart and it registered in my mind...... I HAD NO "LOVE"!!! (1 Cor.13:1-13). I....."SAW".....with my very "EYES" the "COLOR", the "SUNLIGHT", the "LIGHT" in everything all around me,  fade into.............GREY..........

(that was very EXPERIENTIAL FOR I "SAW" IT WITH MY VERY "EYES"),  and the "moment" seemed like FOREVER. I felt, sensed, saw, "heard", witnessed...........ETERNAL DEATH/HELL/RUIN (Luke 4:8-10, Prov.25:6-7, Psa.18:5, Psa.22:15, Psa.116:3, Psa.86:13, Psa.88:6, Psa.139:8, Job 28:12-33, Lam 3:55) ,....... before me FOREVER and "KNEW" it was, and  I  "KNEW" I was right there IN IT, and that I myself was............DEAD...........within and without! A deafening......SILENCE......took hold of me, and it was all around me, in and through me.....

       It completely filled the air all around and I felt as if I was the only one in the universe, with a "single" audience. I could not SPEAK (Isa.1:6) and I was....

            I sensed ....HIM, felt .....HIM, HIS PRESENCE RIGHT THERE, and it felt and sensed like a great multitude of 'eyes' all about me, all through me, and all around me  (Job 7:8-9, Song 6:5, Ezek.1:18, 10:12, Dan.10:6, Rev.1;14, 2:18, 4:6-8, 19:12). I "knew" HE was RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME and I stood CONDEMNED before him, wanted to flee and had no where to go........A GAPING PIT OF HELL BEFORE ME!!!. I did not have the LOVE of him and I KNEW IT......."EXPERIENTIALLY" now. No matter how hard I tried to DO IT, it was FAILURE. No matter how hard I "tried" to FORGIVE, SHOW MERCY, DO GOOD AND RIGHT, LOVE MY NEIGHBOR (or even rib), DO HIS SAYINGS, TRY TO "DO" THE LOVE OF GOD BY THE BOOK, IT WAS FAILURE!!! There was nothing I could do, IT WAS ALL UTTERLY CONTEMNED AND I KNEW IT!!!!.........THIS DEAFENING SILENCE THAT COULD BE SENSED WITH THE SENSES WAS UNBEARABLE, AND A HORRIBLE "SHAME" AND LOATHING TOOK HOLD OF ME (Job 42:6, Isa.1:6). I thought I stood there forever wondering what to say for I couldn't do NOTHING assuredly.

        Out from  and in the DEPTHS, THE DEEP (Psa.130:1, Psa.42:7, 69:14, Isa.63:13-14, Prov.20:5, Jonah 2:3, 1 Cor.2:10, Hab.3:10, Job 37:19)>>>>>>IN THE SPIRIT, WITHIN ME>>>>>>>AND IT DID NOT HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE, BUT A CONSTANT AND CONTINUOUS "VOICE" THAT WAS "HEARD". LIKE A "RUSHING" OF MANY WATERS OUT OF THIS  "WHIRLWIND" UPON ME THAT LED UP TO THIS PEAK EXPLODED WITHIN AND ALL OVER ME (Job 38:1, Prov.10:24-25, Nah.1:3, Ezek.1:4, Jer.30:23-24).......

        And I HEARD THE "VOICE" of the Lord which is 'INDESCRIBABLE' (Dan.8:18, Psa.36:6, 2 Cor.12:4, Ezek.1:28, Acts 22:17, Rev.1:10-11, 4:2) , and then something happened. This VOICE that shook entirely through my being became a BRIGHT RADIANCE all around me, within me, everywhere about me. I don't know how to explain this. It wasn't "bright lights", things floating around with "wings" or anything like that. It was like the DARKNESS that I was engulfed in turned to DAY at the sound of his VOICE. Like coming to a PEAK, a "crescendo" it flooded everything everywhere inside and out and its intensity was hard to bare. Like a BOMB GOING OFF within me and all around me, like witnessing a LIGHTNING BOLT (Ezek.1:13-14, Dan.10:6, Matt.28:3, Zech.9:14, Rev.4:5, 8:5, 11:19, 16:18) rip down and in and through your being so you can "SEE" it, SUDDENLY

:

        From WITHIN me, in my "being", inside of me at the same moment of this BURST OF LIGHTNING AND LIGHT, like a DAM BREAKING, a tumultuous.........TIDAL WAVE.......like a massive "typhoon" going over but WITHIN me at the sound of VOICE of the Lord. I do not know how to describe this adequately. Scriptures do a much better job:

        It was  9 HOURS later roughly (Matt.15:33, 27:45, Luke 23:44, Acts 10:3, 10:30) when I got up off the carpet from off my FACE (Dan.8:18,10:9, Acts 9:8, 22:16) and all the lights were off and it was dark so I flipped a switch.. It was also roughly 9 months since the CORN FELL as well as I remember. I got up off the floor groggy like coming out of a DEEP SLEEP (Jonah 2:10) and I sat on the chair and I began to "sob" quietly to myself for a little while as I stared at the floor bewildered and amazed for what I just "experienced' was VERY REAL to me and I was left sitting beside myself. Like a GREAT BATTLE had come to an end, a tumultuous "WAR" & "STRUGGLE" THAT WAS FOUGHT TO "THE DEATH" had come to an abrupt HALT!!!. I did not know what to make of the whole event and I was left stunned. I knew what I saw and heard but I was kind of left totally "BLINDED" by and to it  (Acts 22:11). I was left dwelling on this for a few days and I was kinda "shaken up" by it. It wouldn't leave my mind, but at the same time, there was a total and complete sense of PEACE and TRANQUILITY........IN MYSELF, in my BEING and my MIND, in EVERYTHING. I noticed a QUIETNESS within myself that was 'eerie' for I had HEARD THE NOISE OF "MANY WATERS" for a long long time going on WITHIN ME and my MIND and their was now a STILLNESS. The RUSH of the DEEP WATERS after a few days had now become a gentle, smooth "trickle" (Isa.35:6-8, Psa.46:1-4, 78:16). There was now a CLARITY in my mind which wasn't there for a long time and it was a DRAMATIC CHANGE and I WONDERED in amazement. I didn't feel that ACHING that would not go away which cannot be described or explained properly. An unimaginable AGONIZING ANGUISH deep within. PAIN, but NOT "PHYSICAL" THOUGH FELT.....SPIRITUAL, IN THE CENTER OF YOUR BEING, YOUR HEART OF HEARTS, hard to explain.

        For the first time in a long time, there was PEACE, although my mind and my SPIRIT was on the "event" and everything else around me was a BLUR. Weeks went by and my mind was constantly reflecting on that 'day' and I found myself with that RAVENOUS HUNGER again to have to seek and read the scriptures (Isa.28:18-19,Acts 9:11). I wasn't about to talk and discuss with anyone my "experience", who would understand the REPORT of it  If I didn't yet?. I noticed something immediately that was INCREDIBLE. As if a VEIL had come off my EYES and my MIND, I now understood the scriptures in a way that was not previous. Almost like a LOCK had come off, I could now SEE and this and it was very dramatic and shocking to me.  I continued for a long time, weeks on end "seeking" (Gal.1:17-18). I was also seeing and reading things in the scripture about what happened to me a couple of weeks back and I began to realize "CONCLUSIVELY" that what happened happened, it was REAL, I was IN THE TEMPLE ON THE LORDS DAY(Rev:1:10), he HEARD my petition and my plea, and he ANSWERED ME, and "freed" me from the PIT/HELL/THE GRAVE/THE LOWEST ROOM:

        Many many other verses of scripture became RHEMA in my being, but these are some of the main ones. I had passed through the "WATERS", the "Red Sea" via the NARROW WAY. This "passing through" the WATERS is a type and shadow of JUDGMENT, and the Lord calls it the WATERS OF NOE (Isa.54:9). I had passed through the FIRE of the Lord which was JUDGMENT BY HIS TONGUE (Isa.30:27-28) and his "strange baptism" (Luke 12:50). I had tasted of the WATERS of MERIBAH, the "waters" of STRIFE (Num.20:13, Psa.81:7, Psa.78:20). The Lord did smote my "STONE", and he cleaved it asunder, and a great FLOOD came out from the ROCK (Isa.48:21, Psa.105:41). The Lord had supernaturally KILLED ME, and DRIED ME UP, and I was a WILDERNESS and a DRY PLACE, dry as DUST and of DRY BONES, and the Lord then maketh me an OASIS OF STREAMS & RIVERS from the WASTELAND (Isa.35:6, Isa.58:11, Psa.18:11-16, Jer.17;13, 31:9). I beheld the GLORY of the Lord and I heard his VOICE. I was now UNDERSTANDING the entire "strange act" of the Lord and I knew conclusively that I had a very real encounter with the LIVING GOD who visits man in the DEEPS and the depth's of the HEART and I was floored, amazed, wondered, gloried and out right full of AWE and now KNEW THE "AGAPE" LOVE OF GOD, his magnificent GRACE, the AWESOMENESS of his "love" and great riches of MERCY. I understood the POWER of his grace & love which is incomparable to anything in the universe. I KNEW in my being that all that is in the universe, everything, every operation of nature, all forces that we have rendered "laws" (gravity/relativity etc.), the cells in your body, the movements of the sun & moon, everything was operating and WAS because of the POWER OF GODS "AGAPE". It was and is LOVE why anything exists that we perceive. The CREATOR came down and RESCUED ME and kept my feet from hitting THE FLAMES of the "fire" I was falling into forever. I knew that I had come FACE TO FACE WITH GOD ALMIGHTY and the marvel was way much overwhelming. I understood why I was at PEACE and why a total PARADIGM SHIFT had taken place "within me". I had total forgiveness UNCONDITIONALLY in my heart for everyone and everything that was never there before. Though I thought I "forgave" my betrothed before the LOWEST ROOM, I really did not and my desire for her was but LUSTING in selfishness and I was BLINDED to it and would never have "FORGIVEN" had I not been dragged before THE JUDGE!!!.I was literally a DECEPTION unto myself, "WITHIN" myself prior to the PIT. I remember reading confirmation after confirmation and then I read this

        And I'm tellin you I jumped off the sit and hit the roof. I WAS "SEALED" and I knew what that meant and a great JOY took me over that was amazing. I WAS "SAVED" AND I KNEW IT!!!. The bible was just SPEAKING TO ME and I was "seeing" and understanding EVERYTHING and their was a total confirmation in my "spirit" with everything REVEALED. It was around this time that I first started to tell anyone I had even "converted" to the Lord. I would find out later on that my earthly father had "converted" around the same time I had my "conversion" and never told anyone and I found that most peculiar for I thought for sure my dad had always been a CHRISTIAN. My dad spoke of Christ, believed in God and the bible, but was never SOLD OUT TO CHRIST. Here was the man who brought me up in the bible teaching me since I was a sprout and he had never CONVERTED. Very, very, strange. Something else begun to come over me when pondering upon my "ex" betrothed and it was strange to me because by the time of the ROOM, I had all but accepted she was gone forever but I guess never really BELIEVED it. I KNEW that my "betrothed" would return to me and we would "MARRY". I don't know how or why, but I just knew that I knew it and didn't doubt it all of a sudden. This was very strange for I begun talking a little to people again around this time. Friends, family etc., and was getting unbelievable NEGATIVE FLAK because of this very thing because I would TELL THEM that I would be getting MARRIED soon, and my "ex" betrothed would RETURN soon. Between this, and my now unabashed willingness to OPEN MY MOUTH and proclaim JESUS CHRIST and talk "scripture", I was getting IMMENSE RESISTANCE. My parents, friends, all around who knew what 'she" put me through told me I was UTTERLY NUTS to want her back, I'm a lunatic to even consider it and that I can do way better. I mean it brought VEHEMENT RESISTANCE from every side to where all these people started to PULL AWAY again like I was a total STRANGER, and did not want to talk to me. The more I received this response, the more I KNEW that she was gonna be back and I was gonna be married. She was way gone, hadn't talked to her in months, didn't know where she was or doing and could've been married already for all I knew because she said that's what she was gonna do and found "him" to do it with. Didn't matter, I had this very quiet strange CONFIDENCE & FAITH that she would return and I KNEW it was gonna happen. I never ever brought up or told anyone about the "experience" I had many weeks earlier. In a long and deep conversation with my earthly father at one point, I did talk a little about what I went through leading up to the LORDS DAY, but never told him what I SAW & HEARD. I only told him, and I remember this distinctly, I said..... "dad, what I went through I don't wish on no-one, if I could describe what its like, its like someone had DIED"....There was no other way to explain it, and I dare not tell him about my little visit for then everyone would've had good reason for why they were treating me like I was INSANE. I kept it to myself and spent many hours alone seeking in the scripture, discovering his BACKPARTS (Exod.33:23), and understanding the REPORT thereof (Isa.28:19), and being filled with HIS FAITH!!!.
            Some months had passed. It was about 3 in the afternoon. I had just got off work and had gone over to a recording studio I had built in a friends house in the city to do a little work. I walked in and went down into the studio which was in the 'basement' and 'low' and behold.........SHE WAS THERE...... She had sought out my partner and friend to look and find me. There was something strange as I first glanced upon her. She didn't look "right", and when she first spoke I knew something was wrong, but I did not care for I was just glad she was there and something akin broke over me like the WATERSPOUTS of the Lord and I felt this major........RELEASE......immediately after the first 5 minutes in her presence like something that was LOST was now FOUND.....

        The Lord used my "betrothed" ladies and gentlemen to BRAKE MY HEART , her and his WORD, the SCRIPTURES and bring me to the place ordained. A little visit to PARADISE and the LOWEST ROOM and the BEMA JUDGMENT SEAT OF CHRIST. By 'her", by using my betrothed he SLEW ME AND RAISED ME and I marvel at the STRANGE ACT of the Lord (Prov.5:1-5).We immediately left there without saying very much and we went to an apartment she had moved in by herself. I sat there and for the rest of the night until the morning, listening to a HORROR STORY that both shocked me, and also "answered" something that I suspected a long time earlier. She had just been released from an hospital where she spent 3 1/3 months in a PSYCHIATRIC ward. It would seem that my betrothed had had a slow but ultimate TOTAL BREAKDOWN. She had left to go to a business appointment in London Ont., and she was found wandering alongside a highway just outside of Detroit Michigan by the police. She had locked herself in a motel room for a week having a very slow complete MENTAL BREAKDOWN down that was preluded by many acts of the unspeakable. I'm not gonna get into the details here as it would not be prudent nor is it right, but lets just say its a miracle she is alive today. Lets just say she went through this (Dan.4:24-37, 1 Kings 21:23, 2 Kings 9:22, 9:37). Needless to say, the Lord took me betrothed to a different kind of LOWEST ROOM, and she too I found out later on, not to long before her collapse, committed her life to the Lord. She melted down, was flown back to Toronto and placed in a hospital ward. She was diagnosed with a extremely rare form of MANIC DEPRESSION at the beginning. It was later found that it was a HEREDITARY disorder in her family,  form of  SCHITZO-EFFECTIVE DISORDER, and that her father who died when she was only a child was diagnosed with it. In her case she was told she would have it for the rest of her life and can never be off of the dozen or so medications she was now taking. We talked on through the night and poured our hearts out. By the time sunlight came up, we had reconciled and decided to get......

        IMMEDIATELY!. I went home told my family of which they utterly scoffed, mocked, ridiculed. I just said told them we were getting "married" within  a couple of weeks, and that was that!. She told her friends and family and the reaction was much more dramatic. They utterly DENOUNCED it, and she was berated. Never the less, we were sitting in front of a justice of the peace in city hall. No fanfare, less than ten people as witnesses. No big honeymoon, no receptions, no condolences, nothing. We didn't care and were just happy we were. When it was my turn to say "I DO", I weeped uncontrollably with JOY cuz I KNEW that from beginning to end, my Lord was behind all this and I was always in his hands.

        This tale doesn't end here as their is a whole other chapter involved which I may write about sometime. A chapter which brings me up to today also guided by the Lord just as much as the first chapter. A chapter involving this (Acts 22:16), 8 years in a CEMETERY and church scene finding out it was this (Rev.2:6, 2:9, 2:14-15, 2:20-24, 3:9, 3:16, Ezek.8, 1 Tim.4:1, 2 Thes.2:9 etc.), a couple years of long visits in  hospitals and many others WOES and  JOYS leading up to now. Its now been over 10 years since the "Lowest Room". I'm here to testify and tell all those who name the name of Christ that if you 'mess around' with his MARRIAGE COVENANT, you will most certainly STAND TALL BEFORE THE MAN and "then" be cast into the FLOODS and the FIRES........FOREVER!!!(if he don't take you through them FIRST!!!). I'm happily MARRIED in JESUS CHRIST, my wife Lisa,  3 children ( Emily 8, Bethany 8 months, and Adam who's 18 months born Feb. 2000 - 1 Cor.15:45). The tale I have told you is not false, God is my witness (Gal.1:20).